First of all, congratulations on this piece. It articulates with clarity something many people feel but rarely dare to name: the exhaustion of living as a performance and the strange emptiness that appears when that performance stops. The text succeeds especially in showing that this emptiness is not a failure, but a threshold — a moment where something more real can finally surface.
From an evolutionary perspective, this insight can be taken one layer deeper. What we call “performance” is not merely a social habit or psychological defense; it is a mechanical survival strategy. The human nervous system evolved to seek approval, predict reactions, and maintain belonging. Performing is not a moral flaw — it is an inherited optimization tool. We perform because, for most of human history, not performing correctly meant exclusion, and exclusion meant death.
Seen this way, stopping performance is profoundly destabilizing. It feels dangerous because, at a biological level, it is interpreted as danger. That is why the body reacts with anxiety, emptiness, or disorientation when roles fall away. The text implicitly points to this, but its power grows when we recognize that authenticity is not achieved by “trying harder,” but by allowing the nervous system to slowly learn that non-performance is no longer lethal.
In that sense, what emerges when performance stops is not a perfected self, but a quieter, more honest mode of being — one that no longer needs constant signaling to survive. This reframes vulnerability not as weakness, but as a recalibration of an outdated survival mechanism.
I agree with your assertion that the price of nonperformance can be the lack of connection with some people. However, I reject that the people you lose through nonperformance are people that are necessary to remain in your life. There are billions of people on this planet, many of whom do not require you to be anything other than yourself. Forcing yourself to remain in relationships that require you to pretend to be someone other than who you are is engaging with a self-damaging sunk-cost fallacy.
I haven't watched the film, so I'm not debating your analysis, merely responding to the statements included here.
I think it depends on how we define performance. I’ve thought a lot about this and I think performance can be as much as this conscious act that we put on, but it can also be subconscious actions that result from deep rooted socialization.
For example, Judith Butler argues that gender is a performative act shaped by cultural norms. I agree with this but that doesn’t mean that I’m not secure and comfortable with my gender identity, but it does mean that I don’t agree with all of the expectations that come with it.
If understood in this manner, performance isn’t always pretending, it can also be a way in which we develop a common ground for understanding each other and finding community.
I don’t necessarily think there’s a right or wrong answer though, it’s a very nuanced topic so this is just my personal pov!
I see your perspective, and agree with your assertion that performance does not equal pretending.
I think my perspective is deeply colored here, as I am a very high masking autistic woman. I am also late diagnosed and have had to do a lot of self-work to sort out which parts of me are innate, which are performative, and even- as you suggest- which have become so internalized that I feel in many ways alien to myself and not simply others.
I am skilled with perfomance and appreciate its utility as a means of moving through the world with less friction, but it comes at a heavy cost for some neurotypes, my own included. I have also observed in neurotypical-identifying persons, through their behaviors, words (both spoken and written,) and actions, that they, too, pay similar costs. However, as their processing is apparently primarily subconscious, they often act without such detailed examination, and frequently (in the absence of lots of therapy) with a lower degree of self-accountibility. This is *not* to say they are unaccountable- rather that they are more prone to rely on social feedback, religious systems, or something along those lines to ensure decorum or moral (as opposed to ethical) conduct.
As an analogy, I think it is similar to how human who have experienced menstruation are naturally more aware of their hormonal cycles than those who have not. The occurrence of such clear, undeniable physiological phenomena provides a ready roadmap- especially when tracking it is essential to navigating adulthood or becoming (or avoiding becoming) pregnant. Humans who have never experienced this are obviously at a disadvantage and require a lot more education and more intentional self-monitoring to learn their own hormonal cycles and how those impact their moods and behaviors. Many never do, and waltz around the world making their dysregulation everyone else's problem.
I know this is a *gross* oversimplification, and does not, by any means, an indictment of cis men or any other group. However, I think there's sufficient evidence to support this conclusion for a not-insignificant subset of the population.
Again, all of this is just, like, my opinion, or whatever. Thank you, again, for your thought-provoking discourse.
I quite agree with your point of view. As someone who's experienced the same, i don't regret losing the people that I did while I stopped performing for others rather than myself.
JL has spoken openly about her own experience with Post-partum Depression (PPD) in conversation surrounding the film, and this film has, at least in large part, been created as an exploration of PPD/PPP (Post-partum Psychosis). In this way I don't think the character Grace is simply "allowing herself to fully be" with an exploration of performance vs instinct. This goes so much deeper into mental health care and support, or lackthereof, which are much deeper layers of womanhood/motherhood/keeping things "in the shadows" than just performing a role. Excellently written, but I'm sad this piece didn't touch on or mention this.
I agree with you! When I was writing this piece I mapped out a few interpretations of the film, one of course being this PDD/PPP route. This was already something that was already being heavily discussed so I wanted to bring something different to the table. Perhaps I could have touched on it but thank you for the feedback!
Watching this film, i caught myself thinking grace is insufferable on first instinct. However this essay reminded me to look at her through the lens of a slipping mask, a process that i am no stranger too. Although i never acted on impulse as much as grace, i began to sympathize with her and realized how much i perform even when I don’t want to
I still haven’t been able to check this film out yet. Definitely will now. Everything touched on in your essay is what I’ve been rambling through in my own mind. Thank you! Great and inspiring read.
This reminded me of a movie I saw recently called Sing Sing, it spoke on who people pretend to be and how that may prevent and impact how we speak, act and think. It was carried through the voices of inmates acting in plays they’d write and direct which was such a cool choice considering the life forced on an incarcerated individual. These inmates though physically restrained were free on the stages they’d perform on and I just found it so powerful.
Was excited to read this just based off the title alone. I’m pleasantly surprised that it’s also about this great film. I just watched it recently and had been wanting to dig deeper into it
Decay to the point of life. Oh my god, I love it. The movie is not available to watch in my country yet but I am definitely going to watch it after reading this.
After being diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder my psychiatrist recommended going to Dialectical behavioural therapy, I liked the idea for a couple of months but then it became clear the whole goal of DBT is to teach you how to suppress instinct.
Indeed there is a need for humans for social interaction and when one is excluded or rejected from any form of belonging things usually go very VERY bad, specially when there is an effort made to belong and adapt. Rejection turns into fear and fear turns into hate very quickly. Of course my DBT arc ended up with a relapse on THC which to this day has been the only way for me to shut down these feelings.
I’m still looking for ways though… and recently I read The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. There is a chapter on fundamentalism and the difference between an artist and a fundamentalist. Pressfield kind of describes the need to belong (fundamentalism) as primitive and the ability to exist by yourself (artist) as evolution. Being a true artist however requires discipline and the relentless chase for your true self, following your instinct. There is a specific quote from this book that I can’t stop thinking about:
“The more important a call or action is to our soul’s evolution, the more Resistance we will feel toward pursuing it.”
First of all, congratulations on this piece. It articulates with clarity something many people feel but rarely dare to name: the exhaustion of living as a performance and the strange emptiness that appears when that performance stops. The text succeeds especially in showing that this emptiness is not a failure, but a threshold — a moment where something more real can finally surface.
From an evolutionary perspective, this insight can be taken one layer deeper. What we call “performance” is not merely a social habit or psychological defense; it is a mechanical survival strategy. The human nervous system evolved to seek approval, predict reactions, and maintain belonging. Performing is not a moral flaw — it is an inherited optimization tool. We perform because, for most of human history, not performing correctly meant exclusion, and exclusion meant death.
Seen this way, stopping performance is profoundly destabilizing. It feels dangerous because, at a biological level, it is interpreted as danger. That is why the body reacts with anxiety, emptiness, or disorientation when roles fall away. The text implicitly points to this, but its power grows when we recognize that authenticity is not achieved by “trying harder,” but by allowing the nervous system to slowly learn that non-performance is no longer lethal.
In that sense, what emerges when performance stops is not a perfected self, but a quieter, more honest mode of being — one that no longer needs constant signaling to survive. This reframes vulnerability not as weakness, but as a recalibration of an outdated survival mechanism.
I agree with your assertion that the price of nonperformance can be the lack of connection with some people. However, I reject that the people you lose through nonperformance are people that are necessary to remain in your life. There are billions of people on this planet, many of whom do not require you to be anything other than yourself. Forcing yourself to remain in relationships that require you to pretend to be someone other than who you are is engaging with a self-damaging sunk-cost fallacy.
I haven't watched the film, so I'm not debating your analysis, merely responding to the statements included here.
I think it depends on how we define performance. I’ve thought a lot about this and I think performance can be as much as this conscious act that we put on, but it can also be subconscious actions that result from deep rooted socialization.
For example, Judith Butler argues that gender is a performative act shaped by cultural norms. I agree with this but that doesn’t mean that I’m not secure and comfortable with my gender identity, but it does mean that I don’t agree with all of the expectations that come with it.
If understood in this manner, performance isn’t always pretending, it can also be a way in which we develop a common ground for understanding each other and finding community.
I don’t necessarily think there’s a right or wrong answer though, it’s a very nuanced topic so this is just my personal pov!
I see your perspective, and agree with your assertion that performance does not equal pretending.
I think my perspective is deeply colored here, as I am a very high masking autistic woman. I am also late diagnosed and have had to do a lot of self-work to sort out which parts of me are innate, which are performative, and even- as you suggest- which have become so internalized that I feel in many ways alien to myself and not simply others.
I am skilled with perfomance and appreciate its utility as a means of moving through the world with less friction, but it comes at a heavy cost for some neurotypes, my own included. I have also observed in neurotypical-identifying persons, through their behaviors, words (both spoken and written,) and actions, that they, too, pay similar costs. However, as their processing is apparently primarily subconscious, they often act without such detailed examination, and frequently (in the absence of lots of therapy) with a lower degree of self-accountibility. This is *not* to say they are unaccountable- rather that they are more prone to rely on social feedback, religious systems, or something along those lines to ensure decorum or moral (as opposed to ethical) conduct.
As an analogy, I think it is similar to how human who have experienced menstruation are naturally more aware of their hormonal cycles than those who have not. The occurrence of such clear, undeniable physiological phenomena provides a ready roadmap- especially when tracking it is essential to navigating adulthood or becoming (or avoiding becoming) pregnant. Humans who have never experienced this are obviously at a disadvantage and require a lot more education and more intentional self-monitoring to learn their own hormonal cycles and how those impact their moods and behaviors. Many never do, and waltz around the world making their dysregulation everyone else's problem.
I know this is a *gross* oversimplification, and does not, by any means, an indictment of cis men or any other group. However, I think there's sufficient evidence to support this conclusion for a not-insignificant subset of the population.
Again, all of this is just, like, my opinion, or whatever. Thank you, again, for your thought-provoking discourse.
I quite agree with your point of view. As someone who's experienced the same, i don't regret losing the people that I did while I stopped performing for others rather than myself.
JL has spoken openly about her own experience with Post-partum Depression (PPD) in conversation surrounding the film, and this film has, at least in large part, been created as an exploration of PPD/PPP (Post-partum Psychosis). In this way I don't think the character Grace is simply "allowing herself to fully be" with an exploration of performance vs instinct. This goes so much deeper into mental health care and support, or lackthereof, which are much deeper layers of womanhood/motherhood/keeping things "in the shadows" than just performing a role. Excellently written, but I'm sad this piece didn't touch on or mention this.
I agree with you! When I was writing this piece I mapped out a few interpretations of the film, one of course being this PDD/PPP route. This was already something that was already being heavily discussed so I wanted to bring something different to the table. Perhaps I could have touched on it but thank you for the feedback!
Watching this film, i caught myself thinking grace is insufferable on first instinct. However this essay reminded me to look at her through the lens of a slipping mask, a process that i am no stranger too. Although i never acted on impulse as much as grace, i began to sympathize with her and realized how much i perform even when I don’t want to
Yes, this is the type of good writing I've been looking for. Thank you
I still haven’t been able to check this film out yet. Definitely will now. Everything touched on in your essay is what I’ve been rambling through in my own mind. Thank you! Great and inspiring read.
This film has been on my list for months now. I’ll watch today— thanks for the reminder and the great read
This reminded me of a movie I saw recently called Sing Sing, it spoke on who people pretend to be and how that may prevent and impact how we speak, act and think. It was carried through the voices of inmates acting in plays they’d write and direct which was such a cool choice considering the life forced on an incarcerated individual. These inmates though physically restrained were free on the stages they’d perform on and I just found it so powerful.
Was excited to read this just based off the title alone. I’m pleasantly surprised that it’s also about this great film. I just watched it recently and had been wanting to dig deeper into it
Decay to the point of life. Oh my god, I love it. The movie is not available to watch in my country yet but I am definitely going to watch it after reading this.
After being diagnosed with Borderline personality disorder my psychiatrist recommended going to Dialectical behavioural therapy, I liked the idea for a couple of months but then it became clear the whole goal of DBT is to teach you how to suppress instinct.
Indeed there is a need for humans for social interaction and when one is excluded or rejected from any form of belonging things usually go very VERY bad, specially when there is an effort made to belong and adapt. Rejection turns into fear and fear turns into hate very quickly. Of course my DBT arc ended up with a relapse on THC which to this day has been the only way for me to shut down these feelings.
I’m still looking for ways though… and recently I read The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. There is a chapter on fundamentalism and the difference between an artist and a fundamentalist. Pressfield kind of describes the need to belong (fundamentalism) as primitive and the ability to exist by yourself (artist) as evolution. Being a true artist however requires discipline and the relentless chase for your true self, following your instinct. There is a specific quote from this book that I can’t stop thinking about:
“The more important a call or action is to our soul’s evolution, the more Resistance we will feel toward pursuing it.”